Kat Snowperson

Washing Machine.

2009-05-21T15:56:00.003-05:00

Holy shit, look who decided to write a fucking blog post.

So this morning I woke up 30 minutes late. I have perfect eagle eyes, so when I wake up in the morning everything is clear and I should not trip over giant, industrial strength fans. But trip I did. Sending the fan across the room to split into two pieces. One blade bent in half and then (maybe...I was tired and the chronology is fuzzy) the side of my foot slit open. I didn't realize this until I was in the shower and hot water worked its way inside of the bloody gash and made me want to slit my sides open with daggers and die. Like, one dagger in each hand, jam them into my sides and do a "washing machine" motion back and forth.

But I didn't. Instead I got dressed and headed for the door to go to work. This is when I realized that it was going to be impossible to put a shoe on. Meaning...it would be impossible to go to work unless barefoot. This turned out to be awesome because I got to stay home and spackle and sand our kitchen. Upon completion, I announced to Greta that I was going to have a beer. (seriously, I announced this. Aloud. I realized as the words came out of my mouth that I am a retard.) I then reached to the back of the fridge to avoid the warm, recently replenished cans, pulled one out, opened it and took a sip. Only to find that it was a can of lemonade. I love lemonade. But not when I'm expecting it to be beer. I spit it out and announced (again, this was out loud and to my dog) "Fuck! Greta!" pause and glance at can. "This is lemonade!" I then grew extremely embarrassed, probably turned red, and went outside to garden.

Another interesting story. On Sunday I took a break from gardening to go introduce myself (This is odd, I don't often approach people unprovoked) to my very old, slightly crazy neighbor. She proceeded to tell me everything. Everything about everything. And then asked me if I was carrying. Confused, I asked "carrying what? my garden gloves?" She then told me that it looked like I was "carrying something up front." Meaning she thought I was pregnant. Awesome. I told her no, it's not a fetus, I just like to eat. She ignored my statement and told me that she doesn't like dogs.

daggers and jalapenos,

jen.

¡La vaca santa, usted es 27!

2009-05-05T15:18:00.003-05:00

Burritos! ¡Hay un volcán en usted apoya paquete!

tits and cigars

-amy

a conversation.

2009-04-29T13:12:00.007-05:00

A conversation between me and someone else…

Someone else: Hey did you see my Email?

(FWD email … )
Chinese eye test
THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling
the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese.
It works. Too FUNNY not to pass on!

Me: Yeah…I’m already Chinese (Taiwanese)

Someone else: NO. You’re Asian that’s different from Chinese, right?

Me: Umm….

Someone else: Well. Where is Asia and where is China? (note: we work in the global logistics world)

I attempted to slowly explain, however was interrupted with a story about an old co-worker who was ‘gay, Taiwanese and so cute’ who went to Taiwan and loved it.

Yay a noodle slide for the Chinese and some Asians!

Monkey kisses!

-amy

HIV, Spinal Tap.

2009-04-26T10:56:00.003-05:00

Last night I dreamt that Matt and I flew to St. Thomas to have our cholesterol levels checked for free. When we got there we learned that cholesterol levels are checked via spinal tap. I backed out, not because of the pain involved but because I was concerned about contracting HIV from the needle. I sat in the waiting room while Matt underwent the procedure and worried about AIDS.

transatlantic

2009-04-16T15:28:00.006-05:00

Weeks have come and gone since Ambien failed me. And now it's back on the "things I think are cool" list. So is St. Thomas. The island. For the past 8 days I was on Katie's tropical island. I remember 7 of them. This is very disturbing for me and there were moments when I was unsure whether I would ever be invited back. The day in question happened to be Easter. Never a good holiday for me, I took it upon myself to liven things up and it all spiraled down from there. Now I'm back to claiming I'll never imbibe in excess again. Knowing all too well that I will fail. I'm told that this is alcoholic talk and this time I'm not going to argue.

Aside from Easter Sunday, this trip was top-notch and included numerous highlights such as: A panty-less woman at a bar who decided to pull her dress up and stick her feet in the air, picking up a conch shell and looking at it's eyes, playing with other people's puppies, eating fish for the first time in... 5 years, eating crab for the first time in... ever, a caribbean boat trip that made me "get" boats, and an unfortunate sunburn with lines that make no sense. Another highlight included Katie and John, who are hilarious, tolerant and most importantly, forgiving of drunken visitors.

Speaking of boats. I've been wondering how expensive a classy transatlantic boat ride would cost. It came to my attention recently that it is still fairly common to travel by ship across the Atlantic. It struck me as something I would thoroughly enjoy. Despite being horribly inefficient, it's a quaint and probably pleasant way to travel. Also, if disaster struck it would be much more interesting than exploding in the sky in an airplane. Which is bound to happen.

Matt's burn is worse than mine and I can prove it:

blackouts and sunburns,

Jen

Giant Ground Sloth

2009-03-18T15:52:00.003-05:00

I realize that most things I say have nothing to do with anything and when they do they typically come from a negative, sarcastic place deep inside of me. Which may lead some (as I've stated before) to question (rightfully) my sincerity. Like when I said that I deeply enjoy taking Ambien and watching movies. That was not sarcastic.

I fucking LOVE, taking Ambien and watching movies. In fact, I love taking Ambien and not watching movies too. I could take ambien and do or not do anything ALL THE TIME. But I don't because that would make me a more horrible person than I already am.

After minimal coaxing, my doctor replenished my supply yesterday. and it was all I could think about all day long. I can't wait to go to bed, not be able to sleep, and take an Ambien. So the second I got home from green beer drinking with Amy and others, I crawled into bed, took one and waited. and NOTHING happened. Nothing except that I got REALLY tired and fell asleep. No blurred vision, no prophecies, no math problems, nothing. It did exactly what it was supposed to do and I have never been more disappointed. Except for that time that I almost saw Bjork, but then didn't, but Joel did. Or the time that Michael Ian Black was in town and I thought that for sure I'd run into him at a bar and he'd think I was hilarious, but then I didn't and even if I had he would never have thought I was hilarious, which is disappointing in itself.

So that's that. Do I try again tonight? Or do I add Ambien to my list of things that I no longer think are cool. I guess we'll never know.

hugs,

Jen

RAD

2009-03-16T16:03:00.006-05:00

Cool Jen, really cool.

This is what I fucking think about in the shower. Pretty sure it beats a Heidyburger any day...

BOOM

-Amy

Heidelbergensis

2009-03-16T11:57:00.006-05:00

Question: Are you ever standing in the shower when suddenly a familiar word pops into your head but you aren't 100% sure of what it is? For example, Heidelbergensis. Like, you're standing there sudsing up and you think, this heidelbergensis word is strangely familiar. I want to say that it's an extinct Homo species, but then again it equally sounds like the name of a German blimp. So then in order to confirm your suspicions, you go to your computer and do a google image search and come up with this...

... and suddenly you know that today will be a good day?

Yeah, me too.

Jen

Rice and Beans

2009-03-11T12:13:00.003-05:00

Jen, question… What if a zombie resembling Taylor Kitsch holding an ice cream volcano, chanting “Vamos echar un pie! Yo Soy Cubiche!” came at you. Mere contact with zombie Taylor Kitsch would produce 10 babies on the spot. They would float down from the heavens and call you mommy upon landing. What would you do…?

The other night in my dream I caught a reflection of a ‘vampire’ in a mirror. It freaked me out to no end even though the vampire was Cher dressed as Medusa. I woke up as I was covering my head with the blankets.
I’ve also gotten stuck in snow/ice three times since the big snow fall on that one day. 4 different randoms have helped pushed me out. That was pretty surprising/awesome.
Last night I tried to do the running man but failed. I also made roasted brussel sprouts, thanks Darrin. I never had brussel sprouts as a kid and now I love them. It’s like I’m eating an un-sprouted cabbage patch kid every time. At least I’d like to think so.

If you want a good deal on a Sunday afternoon go to Gallaghers in St Paul. We missed breakfast and were directed to the bar where they were serving $1 hamburgers (asked for cheese but was denied). It’s full of locals that like to talk about ‘the Mexicans’ and how they’ve had enough ‘rice and beans’. Whoa. Racy comments aside the burgers are good and the bloody marys were pretty good and cheap.

Jen please reply to my question by 4pm tomorrow. Importance level = Orange.

Gladiator tears and dry skin

-Amy

I will build my fortress of bricks and mortar.

2009-03-09T14:17:00.004-05:00

Publish Post
Nerds! I'm lifting weights and typing at the same time. Why? Because I want to buy a punching bag and fuck shit up. I have a huge list of things I want to learn how to do that I've been very good at ignoring. For years. But now Prozac is making me a better person. For instance... I didn't listen to Spanish language cd's pre-prozac.

Boxing was going to be my aggression outlet. Quick tempered, I often get myself into nasty situations stemming from my intensely vicious rhetoric. Instead, I want to learn to take a deep breath, go home and punch a bag.

Often times, walking from our garage to the back door I pause and try to determine how long it would take a zombie to get into our house. Would I have time to run to the grocery store and stock up before boarding up the windows and doors? Installing glass block in the basement windows will definitely buy me some time. I have a feeling that Matt won't be very helpful in this situation. I've asked him what he would do and he refuses to to consider the risk. I told him that his marketing and music skills won't help him. With my largely unused Anthropological skills, it'll finally be my turn to shine.

Now instead of pondering the unavoidable zombie epidemic, I wonder if the rapist who moved in 6 blocks away will have an easier time getting in. His picture is on the electric post down the street along with a list of all of his convictions. Aside from being a level 3 sex offender, he's also a convicted burglar and a self professed "window peeper". Who would profess to window peeping unprovoked? This guy. Ugh, I'd rather worry about zombies.

whistles and mace,

Jen

Teta Manchada?

2009-03-07T21:05:00.004-06:00

I'm suddenly obsessed with guerrilla warfare? And am racking my brain as to the logistics of carrying one out in this kooky modern age we live in. Every day the chasm between myself and modern technology deepens. Yesterday Matt told me that I couldn't continue to resist technology...and that I will soon be left behind. Much like Kirk Cameron. I think that what he was getting at, is that I must adapt or die. I'm embarrassed by my lack of knowledge concerning all things digital. But not really. I assume there's a lot of wizardry involved. Like in Talisman (props to Darrin G.). Airplanes blow my mind and sometimes make me vomit. Amy has witnessed this. Yet carbon dating, plate tectonics and launching a rebel attack from the Sierra Maestra make more sense to me than anything else, and so I cling to them the way Matt clings to his iphone Sudoku when he's taking a dump.

My foray into Cuba began two years ago when, seized with panic at my lack of knowledge concerning the Cuban Missile Crisis, I ordered some books. and read them. And then never, ever stopped thinking about Cuba. Speaking of, I'm starting to notice how handsome Che Guevara was. His dickish qualities might make him appear to be more attractive than he actually was. Regardless, I could easily listen to him talk about agrarian reform for hours on end.

I was reading about Mr. Guevara (thank you Logan) last night and had to halt on page 356 when I was introduced to his second wife, Aleida. Also known by Batista's secret police as Teta Manchada, or Stained Tit. Stained Tit? I paused, giggled, made a mental note, and moved on. Then I went to a shitty show, put a glorious end to my nacho hiatus, and exceeded my newly introduced weekly alcoholic beverage intake limit. One week in, and I'm already a failure.

teta's and manchada's,

Jen

History by Jen #4

2009-03-04T17:23:00.004-06:00

One of my favorite volcanic eruptions was the 79 A.D. eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. It's not hard to be impressive when you're a volcano, but this one's pretty rad. Especially when it leaves things like this in it's wake:

2.5 years ago I built a volcano out of ice cream. It was one foot high and I gave it a pyroclastic flow of mashed up Oreo's. Sort of like this, but obviously, way better.

easy with your reproducing.

2009-02-26T12:51:00.005-06:00

Amy, why are you posting pictures of Taylor Kitsch on our blog? One drunken rant about his feminine beauty does not ellicit shirtless face time on the blog. Or does it? I don't make the rules.

This week brought me back downtown. To share my phenomenal office skills with those in need. Earning me enough money to buy a plane ticket to the Vagina Island to visit the ever charismatic, ethical and entreprenuerial Katie P. In order to prepare for this adventure I've decided to hang my bikini next to the front door, then, glance up at it while I take a bite of Yoplait light with a smug smile and think, "when I'm done with my yogurt, my body will look slamming in that, and so will my face". j/k, j/k.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about population control, not because of the Octuplets lady...totally unrelated. First, Oprah pissed me off. She's done this numerous times, but this time she devoted an entire show to praise a woman who chose to have 12 children, which made my hands shake.

I've tried to make a resolution to stop talking about population control because oddly, the 8.5 times a year that I choose to do so, I tend to offend people. I think that my sarcastic, negative and generally pissy attitude leads people to believe that my arguments lack sincerity and they assume that I'm a horrible baby-hater who prays nightly for natural disasters. I do not hate babies. I hate large numbers of babies plopping out of the same person (all at once or over a span of time). As for natural disasters...I don't wish them upon anyone, I just understand the scientific necessity of them. Tragic, yes? But do they serve a purpose that is probably good in the long run? Undeniably. Don't get your emotions all tangled up in science.

I found a cupcake bar yesterday. It peaked my interest but in the end they didn't get my money.

cupcakes and fairy dust,

Jen

Him?

2009-02-22T00:30:00.002-06:00

-Amy

Some more stuff and things...

2009-02-19T14:40:00.007-06:00

Daytona has come and gone. It was overall awesome despite the lack of sunny days. Some highlights…
We were upgraded to an ocean front suite because the hotel messed up.
Witnessed 3 fights. 1st on the plane, 2nd at a diner that included but was not limited to a girl getting food smashed in her face and a 3rd at Denny’s.
Drove a 20mph go kart at about 10mph because it felt like it was about to fall apart.
Dined within a short walk from Kyle Petty – apparently famous.
Fed some seagulls on the beach and searched for kickass seashells.
Climbed up an old and very high light house.
Went to the Daytona 500 and was robbed a true race. But nevertheless a great time, I would go back. Yes, I am strongly considering NASCAR Fantasy.
Tasted a 'real' philly cheese steak sandwich during our 4 hour layover in PHL.

On a totally none related note...
I browned bagged it for lunch today, which is rare but I did get a sneak peak of my coworker’s appetites. Many items are not note-worthy but so be it. 4 tubs of cream cheese, 3 pasta leftovers, 6 yogurts (various brands), a sports bottle full of milk, peanut butter, an assortment of salads, a big jar of red pepper hummus, an almost open container of ham, some grapes and a delicious looking falafel sandwich. See pic below, it doesn’t look as delish but I’m sure it beats the turd of a protein smoothie I’m drinking right now. I’m trying to muscle up for spring and this is the best way I know how. Well that and my numerous daily bicep curls.

Not in the work fridge but....umm.....

A chicken inside a duck inside a turkey, all wrapped in bacon. Turbaconucken.

XOXO
amy

Dios Mio!

2009-02-11T15:37:00.004-06:00

Fine, I'll pick up the slack.

Here's what's been going on since I learned about the movie version of World War Z. Rachel had a birthday, Amy had a birthday, Greta fell in the Kadunce River foiling some long anticipated snow-shoeing, started a business, locked myself out of the house 3 times, planned a trip to Cuba that will hopefully come to fruition, reupholstered some chairs, roasted a chicken, miraculously got drunk off of 4 beers and went to Grand Marais...

Which resulted in this photo documentary of the life of Matt Ryan:

natural habitat.

It was determined by me that Matt Ryan owns over $150 in Smart Wool socks.

Look who's 27!

2009-02-06T18:27:00.007-06:00

Melee!

2009-01-16T08:53:00.006-06:00

No one wants to piss off the elusive Matt Ryan. Therefore, it is time for some heartfelt, insightful thoughts. It has been brought to my attention (thank you S. Genter), that Michael Straczynski, of Babylon 5 and He-Man and the Masters of the Universe fame, has written the screenplay for Max Brooks' World War Z. 2010 should be a fucking pretty good year.

Everybody laughs about zombies. But if you really think about it, they are extremely terrifying. I've had many early mornings where I've assumed that I would be attacked and devoured on my way to work. It's okay though, because I have a plan. First, I will begin stock piling giant chunks of obsidian in my basement. In my spare time, I will flint knap thousands of arrow heads, which I will then fashion into daggers for close contact melees and for long distance action, spears...which I will throw with my atlatl. Once the beast is down I will decapitate it with a cleaver, or scythe. and I will walk away victorious.

This is the first artifact I ever found. The arrows I make will be substantially sharper.

Moving on to underwater zombies. This is a curious concept. Apparently (or so I've heard), they can walk across the bottom of the ocean...and can thus attack submarines and swimmers. I'm not much of a swimmer, because I get too winded. I also don't ride in submarines because they are inappropriate. However, the thought of giant, oceanic creatures (I.E. Giant Squid, Coelacanth, etc.) mingling with the living dead and possibly joining forces is far more inappropriate than a ship that stalks around underwater.

thanks.

Jen

Tips for Amy's Daytona 500 Trip

2009-01-13T22:53:00.013-06:00

Although you both have decided to mock me in the past months through this blog (mostly out of out jealously), I have decided to come forth and blog again.

To Amy, and her great adventure to Daytona I give you a few tips for you to make friends and to ensure you come out this experience looking cool.

1. Don't wear sunblock or earplugs, only pussys use these products.

2. Point out a fan wearing a Jeff Gordon t-shirt to the person sitting next to you (as long as they are not a fan) and call him a queer.

3. Do research on the aircrafts that are doing the flyover and comment on some interesting facts to the surrounding seats as they flyover. Such as "Man, can you believe dem things can fly faster than 1o,ooo knots per second"(in your best southern accent). "I hate to be a Taliban in a cave with dem things around."

4. While in line, tell the people around you, in the most sincere and melancholy voice: "I was here in 2001 when we lost Dale." Then pretend to wipe a tear from your eye and whimper a little.

5. Ensure that the only liquid you consume is beer, preferably from a can.

6. Be damn sure to stand up and take your hat off for Keith Urban's rendition of the National Anthem.

These tips should assist in you becoming the most popular Asian in Daytona County, and maybe even below the Mason/Dixon Line.

Gasoline and Burnin' Tires,

Katie

J and A at it again!

2009-01-13T20:50:00.007-06:00

The night started out hopeful and hungry! We documented it all.

Jen made the salad! Just right!

Amy started rolling the balls! Tight!

Jen cut the eggplant! Good Job!

Amy tasted the batter! Mmmmmm!

Sizzle! Sizzle!

Tada! Yummy, dig in!

What's missing? Oh yeah! Hot wine!

Alcohol hits Asians fast and hard! Watch out forest critters!

Juice those biceps Jen!

Umm...

Jen ended the night with a Paleolithic reenactment! Accurate!

Time for bed!

What a success!

Falafel balls and hot wine,

Amy and Jen

bang! bang!

2009-01-13T15:19:00.003-06:00

We now live on 5th avenue. I have lots of pictures of the house, but decided to provide only one at this time. To peak your interest.

This is a replica of Napoleon's gun. It doesn't shoot stuff but it looks awesome.

Thank you Joel.

guns and ammo,

Jen

Vino Caliente

2009-01-13T14:14:00.005-06:00

Amy, I'm still slightly perplexed by your decision to attend the Asiaytona 500. Yes? No. However, I fully support your decision. Like the time I supported your decision to work at the candy factory. and the time you supported my decision to wear black Reeboks and body suits in seventh grade. You should try to pass as Cuban. Definitely do not try to pass as British. I've seen you attempt this and watching you prancing around saying "hello gov'nah" is somewhat amusing, however hardly believable.

Katie, keep not blogging. Do it, do it old maid, do it! That's right, old maid. Keep working and sunbathing and oiling and not blogging. It's really cool. I think you're SO cool for never contributing to the blog that is the glue which holds us together.

Note to Jen: do not fuck up your foot on a stairway and then limp around Ikea on a Saturday. A crazy woman will mock your disability and you will drive her away in discomfort by calling her a fucking cunt.

Tonight = Falafel balls and vino caliente! A.K.A Falafel balls and hot wine!

Dumplings and gumdrops,

Jen

Racey.

2009-01-09T15:01:00.004-06:00

Congrats on moving Jen (and Matt), it’s about fucking time.

I just purchased a vacation package to Daytona Beach, FL. Kind of random but totally awesome because Jason and I are going to the Daytona 500. I know nothing of this race and never planned on knowing anything about it. Now I can’t wait and I briefly considered fashioning a mullet. I’m sure the 1.73% Asian population in Daytona Beach would appreciate it but I’m guessing there will be -5 Asians at the actual race. It’s probably best to blend as much as possible. Now my goal is to find an appropriate candidate for my excessive clapping and cheering that I’ve only practiced on a very slow and old electric toy train. I was going to base my decision solely on beard or no beard (gotees or anything resembling a gotee were dismissed immediately and silently booed) but that’s not happening, they all shave. wtf. Now I’m at a slight loss but am leaning towards Bobby Labonte or Ken Schrader (Cheerios or M&Ms). This could all change, if I find out one of them is missing an eye or has a bum leg that lucky guy will be the center of my attention on one very special day. I will however dismiss anyone who has back problems, a stormy disposition or shingles. Harsh but so be it. Just for kicks I image googled ‘Asian Daytona 500’. This is what came up. ..

This is going to be awesome.

I’ve also made a short yet significant New Year resolutions list for Katie (the girl who lives on the vagina and admitted to no longer reading this/her blog).
1. Blog.
2. Gain 15lbs from eating too many Toblerones.
3. Create a time capsule.
Katie I’m sure you won’t read this. Just for that…

Happy New Year!

xoxo

amy

Tomorrow, I own a house. Collaboratively.

2009-01-08T14:31:00.003-06:00

Real quick. I'm in a coffee shop listening to the smooth vocal stylings of Roberta Flack and showing my knees. But mostly, I'm using the internet and wondering where the fuck these people came from.

I don't want to be judgy or intolerant, but I guess there's no way of avoiding it. There is a man and a woman (or maybe two men?) playing scrabble. The man is wearing a skin tight, black tank top, has huge guns with a barb-wire tattoo and surfer bangs. The other has intense man boobs (or oddly shaped lady boobs), a red beret, leather Packers coat and a loud speaking voice. I am entertained.

can't blog, looking for job.

2009-01-06T17:30:00.004-06:00

Everything I own is in a box, waiting to be transported 4 blocks. and then waiting some more. Which means I can't cook, can't read, can't make coffee, can't make toast, can't make guacamole. I can make nachos because I didn't pack the cheese grater yet. Other than that, all I can do is look for jobs and stare at my dog while she eats her food and stares back at me disapprovingly.

Sometimes you just want to die, but like Dracula, you can't.

Lavender and Eucalyptus,

Jen

Eegah

2008-12-23T15:30:00.006-06:00

Yesterday afternoon I devoted 2 hours to viewing this 1962, cinematic gem called Eegah: The Name Written in Blood. This is a "film" I've known about for quite sometime but never had an opportunity to watch. Several years ago I purchased it for Matt Ryan on his birthday, and I believe he has yet to watch it. HOWEVER, this year, Amy decided to fucking dazzle me with both a funnel cake maker AND a copy of Eegah for Christmas. Good thing Rachel recently got certified to use a defibrillator because my heart. fucking. stopped.

Now, there are many problems with Eegah, but aside from the inaccurate and impossible plot line, it is a top-notch film. First of all, Eegah is the last surviving cave man and lives in the mountains of California. He falls in love with hot shit Roxy, abducting her and her father who is a writer and is also very knowledgeable about Anthropology. Roxy's musician boyfriend Tom takes his recently tricked out dune buggy into the mountains to save them. While held captive in Eegah's cave, Roxy is forced to eat meat off a bone (that's what she said), drink sulfuric water and randomly decides to shave her fathers beard. She then shaves Eegah's beard and decides he is handsome. Eegah then tries to make it with her but Tom saves the day. They go home and have a pool party. Roxy won't dance because she can't stop thinking about the cave man who almost R'd her. Eegah comes to the pool party in search of Roxy, gets shot by the police, and dies in the pool.

I give this film a B - .

Cleanly shaven neanderthal men,

Jen

Is there any significance to turning 27?

2008-12-17T22:24:00.007-06:00

If it does not occur on the year ending in 77, then it does not mean a damn thing. Post the question again in year 2077. Happy mother fucking birthday Katie! Check your vagina island mailbox.

old pants and potato pies

-amy

Possibilities Revisted...

2008-12-16T13:27:00.008-06:00

Umm. Jen. Clearly you are forgetting my suggested career path noted on 11/28. This is what could be...nay...this is what should be.

xoxo

amysue

uninteresting rant

2008-12-16T09:01:00.007-06:00

Loyal isn't a word that I would use to describe myself when it comes to employers. I've never felt loyal to a company that I've worked for and have actually encouraged the downfall of several. However, I am curiously loyal to my present employer. It's strange and uncalled for. I don't have a job title, because I do whatever it is they want me to do on a particular day. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am the fastest person in the receiving department, the only person in the office who knows how to make double sided copies (how is this possible?), a terrible mathematician but surprisingly efficient at balancing out sales reports and one of few who is willing to come in for brief stints and on short notice.

Today, my loyaltly came to an end. It started when my gorgeous and typically reliable Ford Taurus failed me this morning. This led to walking to work. From here the story gets a little boring and I will get more than a little ranty. It ends with me being upset with my employer and ready to move on.

Then I came home and spilled coffee on my baby alpaca scarf. That's right, not adult, BABY. The babies are apparently softer. and less experienced.

Moving on. Here are some awesome photos I took last night to build Greta B.'s self-esteem. and props to Matt who kept her still enough to make it happen:

hearts and hugs,

Jen

Poor Greta.

2008-12-12T14:57:00.004-06:00

Oh, Greta B. I think you might need Puppy Prozac and some self-confidence.

the lion, the witch and the vagina island

2008-12-11T16:47:00.008-06:00

My thoughts on the whereabouts of our dear friend Katie:

Swallowed up by a vagina-island indeed. She's probably feeding off of the nutrients in the endometrial lining as we speak. Another possibility is that she recently went snorkeling and her life long dream of being carried off to a magical underwater kingdom by a giant sea turtle was at long last fulfilled. Sort of like a less Christian underwater Narnia. Ruled over by Aslan the Tiger-Shark.

Vagina Stadium (similar to vagina island):

Here is Katie backing into the ocean, waiting to be carried off to underwater Narnia:

Time travel! It's 1997!!!

buckets of hugs,

Jen

How Do I explain Santa's Broke?

2008-12-09T15:03:00.004-06:00

Katie? Did the island grow a vagina and swallow you? I bet you taste like a salty pretzel.
Remember that one time J-Dog and I forced you to get into my suitcase? What a cutie…

Other stuff and things for a Tuesday…
Is it cool to say ‘IDK’? Probably not but I do.
I have a Stink Pot hanging on my fridge (yes!)
Currently my ring tone is set to the Magnum-PI theme song. I think I’ve received 5 calls since then (3 days ago) and 4 of the 5 calls were Jen.
A man in Florida was arrested for beating his GF with a ….cheeseburger.
(http://www.kare11.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=531076 )
I promised a coworker I would go to soul-grooves (slut dancin’) class with her. Jen – I’ll take notes so we have a new routine for New Years.
I would live in this land if I could…

Doorknobs and Unicorn kisses
-Amy

US...Amy!

2008-12-04T13:06:00.003-06:00

10 brats for my favorite Asian-American!

I'm so thankful for your parents smart decision some 25ish years ago.

I'm so proud of you and the American you've become.

Your dearest bff,

Jen

History by Jen #3

2008-12-04T12:43:00.003-06:00

Disclaimer: This one includes bull blood.

Here's something I haven't thought about in many years, but should maybe start thinking about more often.

Taurobolium. Or the ritual act of sacrificing a bull. Important to many, including the ancient cult of Mithraism who stood in a pit beneath the chosen bull waiting to be covered and purified by it's fresh blood. My favorite Temple of Mithras is located in London and was the discovery site of this famous Tauroctony (depiction of Mithras slaying a bull):

There's a whole lot of business going down in this scene (aside from the death of a bull). I will point out the 3 most important.

1. Mithras' Phrygian cap.

2. The Greyhoundesque dog feasting on the neck blood of the bull.

3. The scorpion attacking the bulls testicles.

Can you make a citizen's arrest?

2008-12-03T15:07:00.003-06:00

Jen, hate to break it to you but that lady looks like a bitch. Not only does she like to hear herself talk in really ecohy open spaces she carries around a suitcase full of stolen credit card numbers.
I think the below depicts a much more approachable TC (travel consultant) who obviously knows her way around the globe. Her dress/flag shows leadership, her carry along point counter is unmistakable yet unexplainable coordination and her gloves indicate cleanliness and fun facts.

Today marks my coming to AMERICA anniversary. 25 yrs ago I arrived in San Fran, CA. Tonight I celebrate with steak.

USA!
-Amy

Zolpidem is generic Ambien

2008-12-02T20:31:00.011-06:00

Okay. Maybe I shouldn't put this out there, but I hardly doubt it's much of a secret. I cannot stop taking Ambien and watching movies before bed. Cannot stop was a poor choice of words. I deeply enjoy taking Ambien and watching movies before bed. It makes me think so hard that my brain gets tired and I fall asleep. And no, I'm not a crazy prescription drug addict. I really do have a sleeping disorder.

I spent a little over an hour tonight looking up various words in a Thesaurus trying to find the best combination to use for a *company name, in case I ever decide to start one. Sure, I could have done the dishes, spent some quality time with Greta B. or anything else that would not be deemed a waste of time. Instead I made a laundry list of words, then translated them to Latin to see if they sounded better that way. None of them did.

*Two weeks ago I ordered two business books. I don't read business books. Ever. Yet something compelled me to purchase some heavy duty shit about sustainable tourism and travel marketing. So that I can become an Independent Travel Consultant. For real? Yes. Am I retarded? Perhaps. I know. In the past year I have made a few grand declarations about my career path. I.E. - Baker (turns out I'm not that good), Librarian (registered for classes, couldn't pay tuition). Whoops. These things take time.

This is what a travel consultant looks like according to google images. Note the modern backdrop, fancy laptop, sophisticated pumps and ever stylish power suit.

Hearts and Hugs,

Jen

How do fall colors work and what is the homer hanky history?

2008-11-28T15:50:00.006-06:00

Due to extreme boredom at work (I finished my daily tasks around 9am today), this is what I’ve been doing… in almost this exact order…
Bought some T-Shirts online-spent a significant amount of time picking them out.
Mailed my rent check.
Gased up my car.
Ate Jimmy Johns-totally sub par today. I threw away a bag of chips because they tasted like stale air.
Paid an overdue credit card bill via phone-no service fee. SCORE.
Reactivated my T-mobile online account.
Paid another credit card bill.
Bought a new phone via T-mobile website.
Checked my bank account-totally got paid today.
Caught up on some blogs and thesuperficial.com
Did some training for work. I now know how to use the MK Denial website.
Faxed something.
Googled Scallop Potato recipes and compared them to each other. Printed out some recipes.

And now I’m just looking for some photo entertainment while I wait for Jen to reply to my email. This is what I’ve found thus far… (the monkey thinks the teddy bear is it's mom).

and someone just told me about this today.

http://zwillow.com/

1/2 hour to go.

Katie blog!

-Amy

Vision Board Slumber Party

2008-11-28T11:21:00.006-06:00

Amy, noted. If I had a vision board I would print that photo out and rubber cement that shit down. Along with preliminary sketches of that artificial liver I've been working on. And the Delorean. It would look a lot like this: (Especially the part about wearing all white on the beach)

It's prior to noon on a Friday, so naturally I've already been in two uncomfortable situations and a liquor store. I will not elaborate on the uncomfortable situations because I have a feeling that I'd be alone in finding them uncomfortable. I will say that one involved a video camera, the channel 9 news and me pretending to be engrossed in a horribly patronizing "feminist" cookbook who's title shall remain nameless. Why was I out and about "reading" a cookbook at 10 am on a Friday? I guess we'll never know.

For the first time in months, I am going to work on a Friday. Albeit for 2 hours. But still. It don't make no never mind to me. The 2 hours that I spend at work today will pay for the 24 bottles of PBR (and then some) that I purchased this morning. I worked it out and each bottle cost me sixty-eight cents. Which means that I can get drunk for $4.76. If you're both observant and good at math you'll note that this means it takes 7 bottles of beer to get me drunk.

I'm just going to go ahead and stop. This is going nowhere but downhill.

sprinkles and candy buttons,

Jen

Idea.

2008-11-28T10:48:00.005-06:00

Jen. You need to hone in on what this test is telling you. Option: Create your own cooking show. You will dress up as a Librarian complimented by your hand crafted apron that states “If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need” –Cicero.
You will only cook ingredients from your personal garden. The twist, you will not have a final dish in mind. It’s quite possible you may not finish what you’re cooking. Occasionally the show ends with you biting into a Chipotle burrito or ordering HH from the GMill. The viewer will silently encourage you to finish the dish because they will be cooking with you but they will be denied the opportunity to give any helpful tips or nasty complaints. Call ins get the busy signal, letters will be promptly returned to sender and emails will receive an ‘out of office, I’m cooking!’ message. For the sake of communicating what you’re cooking I will offer up my typing skills. Rather than talking through your actions I will preemptively type what I think you’re doing. Here’s a little preview of what could be…

Maybe you should try this color career test as well. It will probably tell you the same thing.

http://www.careerpath.com/career-tests/colorcareercounselor.aspx

Ok, back to work.

XOXO

-Amy

Superorder Xenarthra

2008-11-27T10:40:00.003-06:00

My failure at finding (and sticking with) a decent job is the source of much embarrassment and discomfort for me. Especially when people want to talk about it. Which is often. I have a couple of interests and two or three skills. Four if you count drinking fast (another source of much embarrassment and discomfort). None of these are in any way marketable. This is part of the reason why every job I get, I quit. Because of this, my therapist urged me to take the Strong Interest Inventory, a series of questions that results in a lengthy (9 pages) and "telling" profile about your work style and career suggestions. Yesterday, we got my results.

According to this magical test, I am best suited to be a librarian, horticulturalist and chef. I'm least suited to be a math teacher (it gets pretty specific), a firefighter, and a minister.

Apparently I like quiet activities, playing it safe, working alone, learning through books and dislike goals. So basically, I'm a huge nerd with no ambition. When I read this description I immediately think about the day in preschool that I peed myself while doing a puzzle and didn't tell anyone or change clothes until it was finished. The idea of sitting in my own urine by myself was more appealing to 4 year old me than the hassle of leaving my precious puzzle and getting up to tell someone that I had to go to the bathroom. I have no idea what to do with this information.

Rainbows and fluffy clouds,

Jen

Fitness and Spider (just one)

2008-11-26T14:15:00.005-06:00

My deepest apologies for the lack of input lately but honestly I have nothing cool to talk about. Work is blowing babies right now so here it is.
I joined the Y last month. Probably the best idea I’ve had since I cancelled my membership at Bally’s. My routine consists of 45 minutes of straight jump roping, 10 minutes of high kicks and 15 minutes of bicep curls (15lbs).
There was a spider on my desk today. WTF. I tried to get it to stick to the sticky side of a post-it note. Instead I pushed it down the crack between the desk and wall. I freaked out slightly because it’s the same color as the carpet. But I calmed myself down with the words workman’s comp. Eventually it popped up between my and my neighbor's desk. She screamed and started poking it with a pen. I climbed on top of my desk and just stared at the situation. Eventually the spider was coaxed on to her desk calendar. It literally died on the date 11/26. RIP. This is what the little guy looked like, that’s not my ruler but I wish it was.

Happy T-Day!
-Amy

Jen vs. Malaria vs. Brain Tumor vs. AVP

2008-11-12T12:27:00.008-06:00

Maybe we should rename the blog Just Jen. Since all the fucking content is written by me. I guess I'm the only one who's living the dream of partial-unemployment. I was sent home from work today because there was nothing to do and no one wants to catch my flu/viral infection/mono/dengue. This is good because it means I get to sit inside with coffee and Greta B. while looking for jobs that might actually pay bills.

This morning I was thinking about Chloroquine. Most people don't want to take Chloroquine because they'd rather risk their chances of catching Malaria than deal with the "night terrors" sometimes associated with the drug. In 2005 I got to take Chloroquine for 3 weeks. If I could take it just for the awesome dreams it provides, I would. Mine involved castles and Liam Neeson in WWII garb trying to kill me. I stopped taking it one week early, out of laziness, and immediately got sick and wound up in a doctor's office at Now Care claiming (and crying) that I had Malaria while the nurse uncomfortably explained that it was allergy season. This cost me something like $60 and is why I no longer go to the doctor unless Rachel tells me my condition is bad enough.

Heads up!

Many, many years ago, I assumed I was dying of a brain tumor and sent Amy a mix tape in the mail before going on a family vacation to Canada. A, you should find it (because I know you kept it) so that we can revisit the track list. This situation also concluded with a false alarm at the doctor's office, where I was told that the "brain tumor" was muscle tension in my nuchal region, and that I needed to learn how to relax.

Katie, why don't you provide us with an anecdote about your childhood Palsies?

Reminder

2008-11-11T14:18:00.003-06:00

It's Veterans Day! That means that if you have an important document that you want to mail but don't know how many stamps the envelope requires, you can't go to the post office to find out.

www.dinosaursstamps.com

...jen

10 reasons KP should ditch the Virgin Islands for MN

2008-11-11T13:53:00.005-06:00

1. The Virgin Islands will inevitably sink. Think ahead!

2. You can hide from a tornado in the basement. You can't hide from a hurricane.

3. V.I.'s Lack of large, land-dwelling mammals.

4. Minnesota's lack of large, sea-dwelling creatures.

5. V.I.'s lack of this:

6. Snowball fights! and then the opportunity to curl up by the fire while I read to you with a bottle of Bailey's. I bet the Bailey's you have on your "island" tastes like shit.

7. Unlike V.I., nobody legally drives intoxicated in MN. Hence, you're less likely to die.

8. Disease, murder and harsh labor conditions imposed by your island's "founder" wiped out the Arawaks. Do you really want to live with that kind of guilt?

9. Easy access to beef jerky and cheese curds.

10. Easy access to Canada.

snowflakes and bear skin rugs,

Jen

Matt Ryan has a blog

2008-11-04T16:44:00.009-06:00

First of all, Matt Ryan has a blog.

10 days ago, Greta peed all over his bed. I'm sure she had her reasons.

...Jen

Threading the Bobbin

2008-10-31T13:46:00.003-05:00

Okay. I don't mean to bogart the blog page. But I don't work on Fridays (maybe someday) and I have OCD. Or so I've been told. Add also to this list generalized anxiety disorder, dysthymia, eardrums that resemble "a delta" (This is what happens when you go to Target with a sore throat), an inflamed ovary that my doctor brings up but won't look into, and endometriosis. The last one hasn't been confirmed by a doctor because my "insurance" won't pay for it, but I know it's there. All stabby and bloody, lurking about in my womb. What a dick.

Which leads me to God and my temper. I thought a man was breaking into our apartment yesterday afternoon, but really he was just trying to teach me about God. He was concerned that I wasn't aware of the "truth". I was polite, because that's what I do when I'm not in a pissy mood. Afterward I spent an hour ruminating about what I really should have said to him. This is my life.

Years ago, I found myself surrounded by seemingly normal adults, who then turned on me and asked me to pray with them in the middle of the sidewalk outside of Shinders in the freezing cold. I just wanted to catch the bus. I'm not Christian...I got out of that mess at 15. But I am a huge pussy (and apparently sexist to boot). I can't straight up tell overly-zealous Christians off when they try to convert me. Instead, i try to be delicate and considerate about feelings. I say...I'm sorry, but I can't pray with you because I don't believe in God and praying to a God that I don't believe in seems hypocritical and insensitive to your beliefs. Then they say, Why don't you believe in God? Well, (and here's where I really turn into a giant V-hole) I really don't know what I believe...I'm young and confused. But right now, praying just doesn't seem like the right thing for me to do. This usually gets me out of sticky situations with no hard feelings, but it also makes me a loser. I used the same argument for getting out of confirmation and not getting married in a church.

If only I could concede like this to all the other fanatics. Like pro-lifers who are clearly perverts who spend too much time thinking about other peoples' vaginas. And bus riders who have a need to discuss my "white girl padonkadonk", and homeless people who like to make dirty comments, but when called out on it, follow you to work threatening to "fucking kill you". That was a sticky situation that I had a hard time getting out of and only made worse by directing him to "shut the fuck up".

I don't know why these religious zealots get such consideration and cautiousness from me while the others suffer. What I do know is that Amy came over last night with some sort of Halloween trail mix that was delicious. She also lent me her sewing machine and threaded the bobbin for me because I don't know how and am unwilling to learn. It's on my list of things to learn, but not today. This is what BFF's do.

sparkles and gemstones,

Jen

Dr. Beckett prematurely stepped into the Quantum Accelerator

2008-10-31T10:44:00.006-05:00

...and vanished.

Wednesday I made a reference about time travel and have been thinking about it ever since. Not consistently, because I also thought a lot about how to sew a giant squid costume, even though I don't know how to sew and also spent a lot of time fantasizing about a possible interview at the Historical Society. I actually spent approximately 30 minutes staring out the window visualizing myself sitting before the society librarian charming him or her into giving me a job with my intensely articulate, smart and witty banter. In reality, I make incoherent statements, turn red and sweat. I might be the sweatiest person I know. Sweatier than Amy and Katie combined. I've already changed shirts twice today and I haven't even showered.

Time travel. Holy shit, am I obsessed with time travel. First of all, Quantum Leap? Genius. Last year I memorized the intro and found myself reciting it as a sort of "party favor". I never thought I would be the type of person to have a "thing" that I do, but for a brief time, I did. I once had an archaeology professor who dumped a bucket of old nails out and made us organize them according to which time period they were from, and then make detailed sketches of each. He suggested that in the future we bring a few with us to parties to impress people. These are the sort of inane jokes that sadly, I find extremely hilarious.

Time travel. Matt asked me about John Titor yesterday and I was excited to teach him something new. I suggest you learn about John Titor because it's hilarious and good for killing time. I won't provide a link because it's worth it to just google him. Katie, take a break from boozing up rich people. Amy, I'm sure you know all there is to know about John Titor, because you were drunk with me that one night.

Dew drops and ponies,

Jen

History by Jen #2

2008-10-29T21:22:00.004-05:00

Consider this:
1. I cease living
2. My remains are impeccably preserved
3. An archaeologist finds these remains

If I had any say in this scenario whatsoever, I would dictate that all of the above happen in a bog. I would also request that a time machine be created (if one doesn't already exist - i.e. John Titor, 2036) so that my long time favorite Danish archaeologist, P.V. Glob could write a poetic, yet scientific study about it.

Dr. Glob, or P.V., was equally as enthralled with these mysteries of the peat. However, he has much more eloquence than I with which to describe them. I could only hope for words as remotely moving as his description of my favorite bog body, Tollund man. In The Bog People: Iron-Age Man Preserved, P.V.'s words flow like a spring breeze,

"Tollund man's head was especially well preserved, the best-preserved human head, in fact, to have survived from antiquity in any part of the world. Majesty and gentleness still stamp his features as they did when he was alive...It is the dead man's lightly-closed eyes and half-closed lips, however, that give this unique face is distinctive expression, and call compellingly to mind the words of the world's oldest heroic epic, Gilgamesh, 'the dead and the sleeping, how they resemble one another'."

Dare I say another word?

Continue.

2008-10-24T15:33:00.005-05:00

ewww.

awww.

diss.

Yeah...that's right.

2008-10-24T15:13:00.004-05:00

what?!

2008-10-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

Architeuthis

2008-10-24T09:58:00.010-05:00

I hate dealing with people I don't know. In fact, most of the time I hate dealing with people I DO know. Usually if something stops working, I ignore it or tell someone else so that they can deal with it. This isn't a good habit, especially in the workplace. However, yesterday I actually had to call and talk to someone about our broken internet. Yikes.

These are always awkward moments for me. I'm not good at bull shitting and I'm annoyed when people think that I want to chit chat during a business transaction. Because I don't. I just want the interaction to end as quickly as possible so that I can go back to doing nothing and not having a panic attack. As I type this, it sounds unhealthy, but that's why I have a therapist and a bottle of pills.

So this got me thinking. Thinking about how I treated people when I worked in customer service. I recall giving long winded lectures to customers about the rules and purposes of forming a line. I recall being told that "Just because you hate your job doesn't mean you have to be a bitch", upon informing a woman that if she has a bus to catch she shouldn't be running errands and definitely didn't have time to be buying an iced latte. I even lied to a priest. He wanted a book that 1. I didn't agree with, and 2. Was located somewhere that I didn't want to walk to. These are not things I am proud of. However, I don't regret them. Sometimes people need to be told when they're being assholes.

On another note, I totally thought of my Halloween costume. I was getting nervous because usually there is some current event that Amy and Rachel and I can exploit, but this year nothing was good enough. So I tried thinking about what scares me. And I thought of Giant Squid. I dislike things that live in the ocean. Which is why I don't eat seafood. That, and the time a woman handed me a square shaped, egg-like concoction when Amy and I were in the fish market in Tokyo and I put it in my mouth. Then gagged and spit it into my hand. Then, out of politeness carried it around in my fist for the next half hour until I was sure she wouldn't see me throw it away. After that, even the smell of fish makes me want to shiv myself in the thigh.

So, Giant Squid it is. And Amy will be a Jellyfish. And we will duel with our tentacles, and I will win because of my giant Siphuncle. I don't care what you say Amy, Jellyfish are not majestic.

Thank you 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea:

I'm going to try to look as much like this one as possible:

Tulips and Eskimo Kisses,

Jen

Missing

2008-10-18T19:52:00.002-05:00

I have realized that my blog entries have been lacking lately, but then again wouldn't it be weird if I wrote daily? I mean, for the past 8 years I have only been around for a few fleeting days a year. My blog entries mimic that presence.

Most exciting news in my life - almost got hit by Hurricane Omar. But, we didn't. Instead, my 4 day vacation to Maho Bay on St. John was canceled and I stayed at home and watched it rain for a solid week. It has been 3 days since it stopped raining and their is still running water on the roads. My cistern is officially full.

I made homemade beef jerky that was absolutely AMAZING! When I was in Minnesota we stopped by Schmidt's Meat Market in Nicollet where they have awesome beef jerky. Ever since then I have been craving it and you can't get the good stuff here so I made my own.

Thank you Amy for acknowledging my call. I guess that it a good first step to enhancing our relationship. Goal for next month: actually attempting to return a missed call. Jen - glad to hear you made it back and sorry I couldn't meet you in Miami. We could have gone clubbing. What fun.

I would post cool images too but my computer/internet at home can't handle it. I'll try harder to pencil in time at work to write in this blog and post interesting photos.

-KP

Appreciated?

2008-10-15T20:49:00.008-05:00

It was employee appreciation day at work. I'm so happy the million dollar company I work for could set aside 1 day to tell me I'm not only an asset to the company but also extremely appreciated. This morning started with a complimentary chai tea from the make shift coffee shop in the lunch room. Later morning we were shoved into a room and listened to how well/not well our company is doing. My work was highlighted on a portion of the power point presentation. Yeah...that's right. A few awards were handed out, none of which I received. Lunch was a Baja Sol taco bar and the finale was dessert (an awesome piece of pie...best part of the day) and a backpack. Yes, a backpack that says Expeditors on the front. I shoved all my Expeditors pride in my durable backpack and walked out with a huge smile.

Ok. That's enough work talk for now.

Jen the trip looks fucking awesome. It may be difficult for me to accept your new agey lifestyle.

Katie sorry I missed your call the other night. I googled imaged animal kisses just for you.

XOXO

amy

No Habla Pollo.

2008-10-15T12:27:00.006-05:00

We´re both sick. Sick and in Peru. This morning I scraped an eraser sized white chunk off of my tonsil with my toothbrush. And then gagged for five minutes. I also laid in bed crying for an hour last night with a migraine. Despite this, today has been awesome.

We climbed to the top of Puno, where I played with a stray dog. Then we wandered down to Lake Titicaca where I was accosted by two adorable ladies who persisted on conversing with me in Spanish while Matt was in the john. 90% of their words were lost on my American ears and I tried to explain that I speak only a little Spanish. Instead I told them that I don´t speak chicken. Whoops. Then I corrected myself and said, un poco...meaning that I speak a little chicken. Not a lot. Just a bit. Then it began to downpour and we got to ride in a batman motor taxi.

3 more days.

Awww... gross.

LOL!

Double LOL!

Flore, Uso y Yo. LOLLERSKATES.

ROFLSAURUS!

Amy? Why are you wearing ugly pants?

Don´t worry, you can view more photos here.

Sunshine and Butterfly Kisses,

Jen

Bears love fudge brownies

2008-10-13T17:31:00.004-05:00

Yes, I´m still in Peru. No, I do not want to come back. According to the man who works at the Coca shop, we don´t want to go home because unlike the States, Peru is free. Matt asked him if maybe it was the altitude that feels different. The man replied, ¨No, my friend. Many people think this. But it is the freedom.¨ Huh. He then explained to us that one cannot own anything. This statement was accompanied by a passionate throw back of the head and arms tossed to the air. He is a very passionate, new agey man.

The longer I´m here, the less suspicious I become about all of this new age business. I see myself slowly drifting to that side of the table. Huh. It is very curious. I haven´t yet laminated the Celestine Prophecy or begun to fertilize my plants with menstrual blood, but two days ago I was asked to make an offering to Pachamama and found myself curiously moved. and I liked it.

Seriously though, I totally saw two bears. Two Spectacled bears. Huggy and Pepe. I also ate three fudge brownie sundaes in less than 24 hours. If I could have touched the bears, I would have. Aside from the bears (which, as you may recall, I did not touch), I have touched... 2 goats, 4 adult alpaca, 1 baby alpaca, numerous stray dogs, a bird and have stepped in one pile of human poop.

Hugs, Hearts and Sunshine,

Jen

Sunday Biscuits

2008-10-03T14:22:00.008-05:00

Between interneting and watching TV I managed to create the best biscuits ever today.

Despite it's delicious appearance this was not the best cornbread ever. Not even close. This happened last Sunday.

Friday I passed my Anti-Dumping and Countervailing Duty training. It has nothing to do with what I do at my job but I was forced to do it. Little do they know during all 48 online pages I was thinking about poop.

Ok, I should probably go to bed or something. I'm so bored.

Amy

metal tank tops (the material, not the music)

2008-10-02T07:25:00.004-05:00

In 30 minutes we fly to Lima, Peru. On the way, I will probably listen to Michael Ian Black's comedy album and cry myself to sleep. That, or take an Ambien and then journal about my brilliant prescription induced ideas. Updates to come soon!

From what I understand, Peru is a lot like this:

hearts and hugs forever,

Jen

Do you have a Role Model?

2008-09-29T18:57:00.005-05:00

This was the question posed to me today by a guest at work. I was simply chatting with her about the island, how her vacation was, when all of the sudden she asks me if I have a role model. Surprised and baffled I thought about it......... "No". After an uncomfortable silence I fumbled for words and finally asked "do you?". Definitely the wrong thing to ask.

To this I found out not only does she have one role model, but actually changes them each month. In addition, she has a biblical role model - Lydia. Apparently Lydia is a good listener due to the fact that God came and opened up her heart. She told me I could be a good listener, but if God came and opened up my heart I would be even better. (apparently God has done this as I was able to remember her crazy stories). She also told me that when she sees me this week she wants me to have an answer for her.

I don't believe in God and don't care about the bible. And if there is a God, I definitely don't want my heart opened, for any reason. In addition, I don't have a role model and I don't want one. And if I did, it would probably be a squirrel in a tree.

On a positive note, we had a ton of leftover tamales at our Monday night cocktail party (we have one every week at work). I should be eating these things for a solid week.

- KP

Comments. Thoughts.

2008-09-29T15:27:00.004-05:00

To Jen. Cercopithecus Cephus would kick all and every ass that crossed that milk moustache path. Homo Habilis is old news. Also, surprisingly my birthday gifts went over well. If my "Don't Spill the Beans" had been pre-giant remote control high performance yellow hummer, I would say all distributed gifts were executed with great precision and grace.

To Katie. When cooking something that has only received 2 of 4 forks I say your efforts receive 5 of 4 forks. You do live on a fucking island.

To Mondays. You suck.

That's all. Oh wait...

You're welcome.

-Amy

Tolerable at best

2008-09-28T20:48:00.010-05:00

On my way home from work I had the bright idea of making a recipe I have been craving from Bon Appetit Magazine, Zucchini, Lemon, and Ricotta Galettes. After stopping at the store to pick up the necessary ingredients, I was reminded how hard it is to make recipes here. The zucchini looked kind of sketchy and ricotta cheese is apparently nonexistent on the island.

Longing for tasty Galettes, and not willing to be let down by the lack of ingredients at hand, I decided it was best to improvise. Being ingenious as I am, I chose a different cheese in place of ricotta (Asiago and Parmesan Reggiano). I also decided to add a Potato because, well, I love potatoes (I managed to salvage 2 zucchini from the slim pickings).

The most difficult part: dough recipe. It is mostly butter, and it basically melted in my hands as I was rolling it out. Anyways, 4 hours of hard labor later I finally had something to eat…

Recap: these were not worth my time (I didn't eat until 9:30pm) and they definitely did not taste like what I was craving. My resourcefulness proved flawed.

-KP

homo habilis vs. Cercopithecus cephus

2008-09-26T18:36:00.006-05:00

So now we're typing in small font? Good thing I have fucking EAGLE eyes.

Let's recap. Katie drives her boyfriend around her 10' x 10' island while eating giant sausage and hitting the sauce hard. Amy provides her half downsy logistics coworkers with meat infused cream cheese from a bagel corporation that I stole 90% of my groceries from sophomore year of college and...for someone who is so enthusiastic about her own birthday is a surprisingly sub-par b-day present shopper.

I, on the other hand am a b-day aficionado. Even when being tackled to the ground by severe allergies/deadly viruses. Totally bought a monkey costume today. For my nephew. Obsessed with getting him into the "right things" (Example: no more NASCAR), I am naturally drawn to anything involving ancient weaponry, dinosaurs, dragons, bodily functions and outfits. Because my sister frowns on my attempt to further develop his enthusiasm for princess costumes, I bought him a monkey suit instead.

Then I saw something that got me really riled up. I sat myself down and said, yes, this authentic Roman camp play set is quite possibly the coolest fucking thing you have ever seen, but will your 3 year old nephew be equally riled? So I moved my hand to the right and instead bought a King Arthur play set, complete with dragon and trebuchet.

Reply to KP.

2008-09-26T15:40:00.011-05:00

Ok, I get it. You like small fonts and you like to eat and drink just as much as the rest of us. I am guessing (this is just speculation) you could stop stuffing your face with giant sausages and booze long enough to keep us updated on a regular basis. In other words, it's not fair that you live on an Island and I'm 95% jealous.

This my dear friends is a lady with a platter of kielbasa (and lettuce). Nice Katie.

Other stuff and things for a Friday. I provided bagels and 3 tubs of cream cheese for my department this morning. The bacon scallion cream cheese was greatly appreciated. I'm terrible at buying birthday gifts and concluded Tjmax sucks. Hard. I carried around a blanket for 15 minutes at The Max, dropped it once and eventually put it back. Nice! I only have 26 minutes left of my work week. On that note enjoy...

http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html

Bye,

Engine Nighthawk

Updates by KP

2008-09-26T14:23:00.003-05:00

It has come to my attention that some people do not think I am interested in participating in this blog. To whom it may concern, please remember that I do not have the time to mindlessly search the internet for random, yet hilarious photos as some people do. Below is a recap of where I have been since this blog was started.

Wednesday: Made egg and cheese sandwiches for breakfast. Drove down to Havensight, (the cruise ship mecca) where John used a gift certificate at Caribbean Surf. Attempted to buy summer sausage, but realized it was way too expensive. Went home and ate kielbasa with sauerkraut, mashed potatoes and peasant rye bread while drinking Hefewiezen. Watched the movie Pineapple Express and then had a few beers at Island Time Pub.
Thursday: Made egg, cheese and Canadian bacon biscuit sandwiches. Played several games of cribbage while drinking homemade margaritas and guacamole. Ate kielbasa and drank Hefewiezen. Drove to Platform Beach so John could fly fish. While John had no success at fly fishing, I drank Heineken on the beach and watched the sun set. Back at home, drank beer while playing more cribbage. Attempted to watch Sopranos, but Netflix sent us the wrong dvd. Instead, watched the first season of Three Sheets while drinking and eating biscuits.

- Katie

...

2008-09-25T14:28:00.021-05:00

Here's some stuff and things for today.

KP! Where in the world are you? Thanks for participating. I see what you've been doing with all your time.

http://www.katieperry.com/

Yes, I devoured an entire pizza buffet during lunch today.

No, I don't want to be at work.

Maybe Jackie Chan should man up and put that helmet on.

Overheard at my job:

Heated co-worker -"What do you eat??!!!??? You don't like Wendy's, you don't like Taco Bell!! Do you like KFC??

Hungry co-worker - "I like Burger King."

Heated co-worker - "oh."

Thank you,

Amy

In this 'ole wide world, there's no 'appier bloke

2008-09-25T11:03:00.010-05:00

Two things that I thought didn't exist were presented to me this week.

First of all, two and a half years after graduating college, I was informed that my "physical diploma" was never sent to me. because they had it, in a filing cabinet. Now I have it. Along with proof that I'm 99% overqualified for my job.

Second, there is such a thing as sun block with insect repellent. I was not aware. Not until Sunday whilst at REI, when Matt got the novel idea to try on every pair of hiking shoes. As my patience is lacking in regards to...everything...I skipped the shoe department and wandered every isle while humming Chim Chim Cheree (you may remember it as sung by the ever lovable Dick Van Dyke). It's been in my head for 5 fucking days. Anyway, we will now repel the sun and insects all over the fucking place.

this is for you katie:

this is for you amy:

hearts,

jen.

1 Serious Photo.

2008-09-24T20:59:00.004-05:00

This guy is 100% business.

-Amy

History by Jen #1

2008-09-24T18:25:00.005-05:00

The Testudo is my favorite Roman military formation.

Is it effective against arrows? Yes, very much so.

Is it effective against giant boulders? According to this illustration, perhaps. Though I can't imagine so.

Ice Breaker

2008-09-24T16:09:00.000-05:00

Well, hello.

As you can see, I have posted two very interesting/uncomfortably attractive photos of my dog, whom you know, as Greta B. You can learn a lot from these photos. About me. and my dog.

In photo #1, God is shining his divine light upon my dog. and she looks angelic. She is an angel. Are we in Heaven, you ask? Check to see if there is Godiva chocolate nearby. If there are, then yes, we are in heaven.

In photo #2, my dog is reading I Like You, by Amy Sedaris. From this you can see that my dog is both smart and funny. Which she clearly gets from me, along with her inability to swim, fear of people and propensity for prescription medications. Propensity.

Thank you,

Jen.

Welcome to Kat Snowperson

2008-09-24T15:58:00.000-05:00

This cat has 4 ears. No joke.